


The Show Must Go On

by Mamogirl



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Angst, Brian's is a stubborn idiot, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sort Of Fluff, Voice issues, inspired by Queen's music
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-16 16:57:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18098405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mamogirl/pseuds/Mamogirl
Summary: Inside Brian's heart is breaking, another rough path was standing up in front of him.But his smile still stayed on.





	The Show Must Go On

The Show Must Go On

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_… But my smile still stays on_

It was an unusual and unsuspecting sunny and warm day, one of those rarities that pulled the winter out of someone’s system and let them breathe an anticipation of spring and summer. Even birds, confused by the sudden change of their routine, had decided to go with the flow and were singing for whoever was willing to stop their walking and busy affairs for a second and hear them,

It should had been a day of good news and happiness, joyful smiles for it was a little bit hard not being sad when the sun was shining so brightly, and the sky looked as if a painter had smashed an infinite tank of the purest shade of blue.

But it wasn’t. At least not for the man, sitting on the brown and uncomfortable chair, hands twisting on the lap. The room he was in was bright, its white walls capturing the light coming from the tall window as if it was necessary oxygen for them to breath and live. It looked as farthest as possible of what a doctor’s office should look like but, even though the appearance were different, it didn’t change the reality of the situation.

He felt numb.

He felt as if his body had gone straight through an iceberg, his limbs frozen from the ice and his blood turned into stone, barely able to reach his organs. His heart was thrumming hard inside his ears, a loud, too loud sound that was drowning out everything else. Barely he could listen to what the doctor was saying to him in that moment, his attention too focused on that simple task of taking a breath in and taking a breath out.

Dysphonia.

His own muscles trying to cut his voice out, strangle that only good thing left inside him.

“How?” He could only come up with that question, thousands of thoughts running miles within his brain. How did it happen?

“The causes are still unknown. It may be a coincidence of multiple factors: stress, anxiety, overworking yourself… There are still researchers trying to pinpoint the exact causes.”

“Figures.” Wasn’t it the story of his life? Hadn’t he been through things that rarely happened? Of course, he was going to catch something that didn’t have a concrete cure. Of course, he was going to deal with that problem for the rest of his life, just like his heart would always a reminder that he wasn’t that invincible man he thought of himself.

He was far from being.

He was the opposite, as painful as it was to learn that truth: he was broken, with nothing much of a hope to be fixed.

“Mr. Littrell, I know it may sound catastrophic but there are therapies that you can do to minimize it. It might seem overwhelming but with a new lifestyle, the outlook is…”

“Will I gain my voice back? 100%?”

“It’s…”

“I don’t care about therapies. I don’t care about trying to get used to. I need certainty. I’m a singer. My voice… - Brian’s voice chose that moment to break, hiding behind that diagnosis that explained a lot but didn’t feel as reassure at all. - … my voice is everything. I’m in the middle of a world tour. I can’t… I can’t quit.”

“Waiting will only worsening it. I cannot stress this enough. We’ve already caught it a little too late.”

He couldn’t sit there anymore. He couldn’t just stand there and listen to pointless advices or recommendations when his world had been turned upside down and he didn’t even know where to start to build it back. He couldn’t breath that air anymore, lack of oxygen that was making his sight dimmer and feeling like there was a hole ready to swallow him whole.

He just couldn’t hear anymore.

He had a job to do. He had several shows on his back, just the following week they would be in Japan and then back again, the same circus that couldn’t be stopped anymore. He owed it to Nick, Aj and Howie. He promised them, a long time ago, that they could keep doing what they had always done even if Kevin had decided to leave. How could he go to them and tell that he had to leave as well?

But the truth was that he didn’t want to leave that ship. The truth was that, although scared as hell for that dysphonia thing, Brian was much more afraid of a life deprived of singing and cheering fans.

What was he supposed to do?

What was he supposed to say to the other guys?

What was he supposed to say to Nick?

 

 

 

 

 

*************

 

 

 

 

 

The whole crew was already behind the stage, setting up the last things before the show that was about to go on in a few seconds. Howie was in a corner, trying new moves that would finally catch the audience’s attention and let it be upon himself; Aj was talking and joking with the NKOTB guys, something that it had seemed quite impossible just a few months before.

But there was one missing and that one was who Nick was trying to find in that moment, walking the halls and checking every dressing rooms.

Brian.

Nick hadn’t seen Brian the whole day, even skipping the soundcheck because of an urgent matter that couldn’t be delayed. That absence had tipped Nick off, because Brian had probably been the only one who had never missed a soundcheck ever, not even when he was running a fever and doctors had advised him to take it easy.

Brian taking easy? That was probably one of the biggest joke Nick had ever heard, although that day he had wanted to pick his partner up and lock him in his bedroom, scolding him for always be so stubborn and with so low self-care. No, what tipped Nick off had been the fact that Brian hadn’t told him about that urgent matter.

What had been so important and secret that Brian hadn’t trusted him with it?

Nick didn’t want to worry. Nick told himself that there wasn’t anything to worry about: if there was something wrong, Brian would had gone directly and told him right away. If there was something wrong, Brian should know that his wellbeing came first, no matter how many dates they still had to do. No one wanted to go back to the dark road; no one wanted to make the same mistake, especially not when they had been left with counting on their own strengths.

But no matter how many reassuring words Nick could tell himself, that small voice inside his mind couldn’t left be alone.

It couldn’t be silenced.

Nick could only hope that that voice was wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

*************

 

 

 

 

It wasn’t his first panic attack. Lord knew how many he had experienced in almost twenty years of carrier. Funny how, now, he could realize that maybe those attacks hadn’t just trimmed down his nerves but even his voice: a slow torture, a slow being eaten alive that no one had never been aware of.

Up until that moment.

It was worse this time.

Usually, that anxiety only served to channel his confidence and bring to the stage the best performance. Usually, that anxiety was only proof that he still wanted to be a performer and that job hadn’t just turned into something boring and dull. Usually, he would joke around with Nick, telling as many jokes possible until that butterflies within his stomach would go back to sleep and let him do what he did best: sing.

But that was before.

Now that anxiety had turned into a bigger monster. Now it was panic sinking his teeth into his soul and there wasn’t a joke able to fend them off. Now he was closed into the last dressing room, half desiring to run away and hide and half wanting to go out there and tell everyone that he the joke. He was just a fluke, because everything good in him had disappeared like dust.

No one knew.

No one had to know.

He was a coward, he knew. He just didn’t have the courage to go to them, to Nick, and tell them, tell Nick, what was going on. He dreaded facing their looks full of pity, their disappointment in knowing that he had failed them again, falling broken without never trying to put a stop to it.

No, he just couldn’t.

He would soldier on, just like he had always done. He would put on his bravest smile and let show go on, no matter how hard it would be. No one was going to wonder. No one was going to ask him what was wrong because no one would ever catch a clue of the battle he had just found himself in the middle of.

“Ehi, Bri. You okay?”

The question brought Brian back from that web of worries and panic. That voice almost dragged him to the floor, ready to vent out his sorrow and let someone take his baggage of responsibilities. Wasn’t that the way relationships were supposed to work? Wasn’t that the reason why it was oh much easier going through something if you had someone to lean on from time to time?

It was almost alluring.

It was a siren’s call and Brian was so drawn to it. He needed to confess. He needed to be comforted and reassured that everything was going to be okay, although that word didn’t mean anything anymore. How could he be okay when he had been faced with the possibility of losing everything that made him... Brian. His voice was his very core; his voice was his only weapon to use when people wanted to destroy him for everything he wasn’t and for all the mistakes he had made in his past. That stage was his livelihood, the air he breathed and the beat that made his heart steady and burning for something higher and powerful.

Brian looked up to Nick and, in that moment, made his decision. He couldn’t tell, not when he didn’t know the whole story. He couldn’t face that worried look, he couldn’t stand seeing it every time he would go up on stage and kept being asked if it was really necessary. Oh no, he didn’t want to listen to Nick telling him how he should put himself first and forget about performing. Oh no, he didn’t want to be told how a liability he could be, not when they were already one down because of Kevin’s departure.

That realization made him stand taller, forgetting about that gripping fear that was creating its very home within his soul. That realization made his eyes looking back to Nick, cleared by the froggy and cloudy expression brought by anxiety and worry. That realization made his lips curve into a half smile, that gateway that would always be able to fool Nick into believing that nothing was wrong.

Maybe, if Brian kept telling himself that, he might even believe it.

“I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. – Brian slowly came closer to Nick, stood on his tiptoes and pressed his lips upon Nick’s cheek. – I’m fine. Just my usual friend anxiety that wanted to have a little fun before the show.”

Nick looked straight through Brian’s eyes, trying to find lines and words that could tell him if he was telling the truth or just another lie. But why would Brian lie to him? Why would he hide something, since now they were together? Finally together? “You never told me why you missed soundcheck today.”

“Oh, I didn’t want to bother you with that.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Yes, it would. And it’s already done so no need to dwell into.”

“What did she do now?”

“Nothing.”

“Brian.”

“Nick.”

Brian sighed, half relieved that he had been able to change the topic and drive Nick away from asking too many questions about his health. He felt half torn, though. He felt as if he was betraying him, betraying that trust and faith that had been placed into his hands after so many years of uncertainty and distance. But it was the only way he could see. “It was just another of her crazy demands. Nothing to worry about.”

“I swear… I swear one day she’ll cross my way and I’ll finally be able to tell her that…” Nick didn’t even have the time to finish because Brian’s fingertip was on his lips, preventing him to form any other sounds and words.

“You’re not going to say anything.”

“Oh, come on! You can’t expect me not to say anything!”

“Yes, I do. And you know why?”

“No but you’re going to tell me, right? You’re going to tell me how it’s stupid and unnecessary.”

“Yes, it’s stupid. In the end, it doesn’t matter how much crazy things she’s going to ask because you’ll always have the one thing that she can’t have.”

Nick looked down on his feet, feeling as stupid as he could be. Brian’s words were true: in the end, he was the one that was getting away with Brian’s heart and soul, something that she had never be able to touch and ruin. He was the one holding Brian in his arms, he was the one that got to calm and comfort him in those rare moments of vulnerability.

“When you put it in this way…” He simply breathed, his lips brushing against Brian’s smooth skin. Fingertips ran up and down Brian’s spine, electricity and shivers burning slowly but never hurting. Oh, that was the fire that Brian needed to forget about his horrible day. Those arms were the only things he needed to draw strength and fight whatever had been placed upon his path.

One day, Brian would be able to tell Nick how he had fought another battle and came through as a winner. And until that day, Brian was going to plaster a smile on his face and let the show go on.

A show that Brian didn’t want to leave behind.

Never.   

 

**Author's Note:**

> I can't seem not to write about this. Briangst is so good. lol


End file.
